Blended Families- Making it Work for the Kids

I am divorced.
A long time ago I was married to a man and we had two lovely children together. Fast forward to today....I am married to a woman and together, all three of us, we are raising those children. We are what most people call a “blended family”. The road to where we are today has had moments of turbulence, but we have always made a point to put the children first.
Always.
It means that sometimes you have to take the high road, sometimes you have to let go, compromise or learn how to communicate differently. We’ve done family therapy and have had many long email discussions learning how to navigate this terrain together.

Right now we seem to have stumbled on something that is really working for our teenagers. We have a Family Meeting, once a month at a diner type of restaurant for a weekend breakfast. At this meeting we talk about what is going well for the kids, we listen to any concerns that they might have and we plan together how consequences will be carried out, at both houses, so that we can be consistent. We have a journal where at the end of the meeting I write down recaps of what we discussed and if there are any discussions that we have tabled for next month.

I highly doubt that any of the adults at the table actually look forward to this monthly breakfast. But we put on our kind faces, we share a meal and we talk and most importantly we show the boys that we are a team of parents, we are working together and love them endlessly.
This is what our untraditional, blended family looks like and we are making it work for the kids.

When I was married to a man no one ever asked me that!

It’s no secret...I use to be married to a man.

And now I am married to a woman. 

Stay tuned for my book (coming out 2019) where I talk all about this transition but for now here are my observations about the differences going from a heterosexual relationship to a gay relationship.

When I was married to a man:
-no one ever came to our house and immediately assumed we were siblings before thinking we were married.
-when hearing that we were married the next question asked was never, “legally married?”
-when someone else was introducing us, that person never referred to my spouse as my “partner”.
-no one ever asked us if our children were biologically ours.
-strangers and associates never asked how we got pregnant.
-no one ever asked if our parents and family were ok with our relationship.
-when we got married, people didn’t stop talking to me because they “disagreed with my lifestyle."

The questions and comments that have been asked or said to me after learning that I am married to a woman reminds me of the days in Sunday school in the Presbyterian church in which I grew up, every year we would start with learning the Golden Rule, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (Matt. 7:12). And so I wonder if we all took that approach would the world in which we live be a more compassionate place to exist? Ask yourself would you like it if someone inquired about the intimate nature of how your child was conceived? Would you be okay with someone questioning the legality of your marriage?

I know it's natural to be inquisitive about things that may seem different than you, but if you don't know people very well, maybe ask yourself how your question might be received before you speak and if you would want the person you are speaking with to ask about your infertility or if you used donor sperm. Also, try paying attention to body and spoken language. Gay couples often overcompensate with language and are forthright from the beginning about their relationship status verbally, take your cue from that and use their language. I always immediately say "this is my wife, Lauren" when introducing her, for example. Oftentimes gay couples also make it very clear in subtle ways that we are in fact a couple, and it’s typically the same ways heterosexual couples do. Leaning in towards the person, using “we” language, etc.

I do believe that when we know better, we do better. It starts with very small changes that are easy to make. My marriages have been very different because of the people involved but both have had many similarities as well. Because in the end....it’s a marriage between two people and the gender of those people doesn’t really matter. Love is love and all marriages are equal. 

Adoption From Foster Care- This House Needs Healing

In the last two months we seriously contemplated the idea of moving to another house, in the town in which we live. Actively doing Zillow searches and drive by of potential houses on the market in our price range, while making mental lists of our “must haves”. Then we thought what if we stay in our current house but purchased a small condo at the beach! Our weekends became about scheduling day trips to make the two and a half hour drive to the beach to look at properties. We found a community we really liked and put an offer on a condo in order to have another place to go and escape to.

We bought this house with the intention of expanding our family. The fourth bedroom was supposed to be his room, and it was his room for a short period of time but now it is nothing. And it has been nothing since he left three months ago. We refer to it as the “guest room” but it doesn’t feel that way, nor have we had any guests since he left.
It feels empty, both physically and emotionally.

After our offer was countered for a second time on the beach condo and the asking price was at a dollar amount that we didn’t feel comfortable spending, my wife and I sat down to talk about what we need in our lives and what we want.
We need more healing.

We need to not walk past this empty room everyday and feel broken-hearted. It’s hard to move on when there is a constant reminder of what was supposed to be. For my wife buying a new house felt like a fresh start but for me, I started to feel waves of anxiety. In previous years, I typically am the one leading the “let’s move” crusade. But I like this house, I like being a part of this community and I don’t have the energy right now to redo a kitchen or a bathroom again. I just want to feel settled for a little while.

“What if…” I say to her with a sly smile. “What if we did something untraditional?”
My wife just looks at me guarded and I imagine in her mind that she is thinking to herself, “No Gretchen we are not hanging silk hammocks from the ceiling and turning the room into your personal acro yoga space.”
I continue, “Okay what we don’t like about this house is having an eat-in kitchen and not having a dining room to entertain and invite people over for dinner.”
She nods waiting for me to continue.
“On the other hand, we never invite people over to watch television. We never actually even sit in the living room when people come over, we end up cramped in that tiny eat-in kitchen area. So what if we moved the living room to the fourth bedroom, it’s just us watching a movie up there anyway. We can turn it into a media room! And then what if we moved the dining room into what is currently the living room, we can then expand the table and invite a lot of people over. And then we can create these little corners of contemplation in there. Where we can sit and look out at the woods and read a book, to have these glimmers of life that feel like vacation in our house.”

She thinks about it for a few seconds where the air feels stagnant and then she smiles at me. “I love it!”, she says.

The conversation goes in a whirlwind as we talk about buying a new sofa and definitely needing different chairs for the dining room that feel more comfortable to sit and talk. I look into her eyes and at this point I’m crying, “I don’t want to hate this house because he’s not in it. We loved this house before he came and we still love each other and the boys. We need to face these emotions and not run from them. I want to feel settled. I want us to heal. And yes we bought this house with the intention of expanding our family but “life” happens. There are so many points in our lives when we set out on one course expecting to do one thing and then something happens to change our opinion or a different opportunity presents itself and we go in an entirely new direction. We need to heal, we don’t need to run.”

We hold each other in an embrace and cry, the tears that we have been holding inside since he left finally are released. And it feels like the very beginning again, it feels full of hope. And now with the decor renovation coming to a close it feels like a rebirth in this house, healing feels possible.

Parenting- Am I Doing This Right?

Photo by Kate Remmer
A few weeks ago our church held their annual youth led service. The children of the church of various ages from kindergarten to high school design the service, choose the songs and the readings and then conduct the service themselves. And on this particular Sunday four teenaged girls each wrote a part of the sermon. The theme was "Loss" and each girl stood in front of a rather large gathering of familiar faces and strangers within this city church and spoke her truth. Expressing the idea of loss in various ways from death to leaving a country.

The part of the sermon that has stuck with me, weeks later, was the young woman who spoke of loss in terms of divorce. She bravely shared with the congregation and expressed herself so eloquently about her personal struggles navigating her parent's divorce. How, now as a high schooler, the simple act of filling out forms that require having to write an address would cause her to have a panic attack. When she saw the line "Address" on a form; her heart would race and her breath became shallow. She shared that she lives equally at both houses, yet on these forms there is only room for one address. And her mind begins to spin "What address should I write?, Will mom get upset if I write dad's address? Will dad's feeling be hurt if I don't choose his?". On the edge of my seat waiting for her to disclose exactly which one she choose, which house did she feel compelled to write down?

She never said and I still wonder weeks later how my boys will deal with this same situation. See my children are not yet of the age where they are filling out paperwork for themselves, I am still doing it for them. Maybe my boys won't care or won't give it a second thought when they have to fill out the address line on a form. Maybe the address they put in will be the address that they live at on that particular week or maybe like the only phone number they have memorized (mine) they will automatically put in my house address since we are the ones that coach them on knowing the information.

My ex and I share custody and the kids rotate between the two houses on a weekly basis. We practically share a backyard, the kids can just walk over to the other house when they have forgotten something that they need. I've tried so hard to make the divorce easy for my kids and have taken great care in remaining neutral and never putting the kids between their dad and I. But as they grow up I think to the future and wonder which house will they choose to spend Thanksgiving at when they are adults? Will they continue to alternate the holidays as they do now? And though I think that I've made the divorce easy on them, does their heart speak differently? Will they someday stand in front of the church and tell a story of being torn between two worlds?

Because I see that, I see the contrast between who they are in both houses. How their music choices are influenced by the parent, how they react and carry themselves differently. They are shifting between two worlds, though the two houses are on the same block, they might as well be in different states. The boys are never fully integrated into one group of people, the social dynamics and social groups between the two houses are so vastly different. We co-parent beautifully, but we are divorced for a reason and our rhythms and values in each of our houses clash. The ground under their feet must always feel as though it's shifting and changing. And it's no wonder why the day in which they transition to our house is still, years later, such a struggle for them emotionally to navigate.

As parents we constantly wonder, am I doing this right? We read parenting books, we take parenting classes to learn how to navigate a new stage or development, we surround ourselves with other parents just like us and yet as we stare at the ceiling willing ourselves to fall asleep our minds racing from thought to thought and we ask ourselves.....am I doing this right?      

Adoption From Foster Care- Empathy Needed!

Thank you all for reading and watching from the sidelines our journey of adopting an older child from foster care. I have posted on social media about how hard it has been, lately. We have experienced many highs and many lows that naturally come with adjustment and transition for everyone in our family.
Adjustment and transitions are hard. For everyone.
And it's okay for me to express that and share it as a part of our adoption journey.
I appreciate the kind words but most days the person with their face down in the dirt in the center of the arena just needs a hug and an acknowledgment that this too shall pass and one day it will feel easier.
The person with their face down in the dirt doesn't need a critic or advice on how they could do it differently instead they need a friend, a listening ear and a safe space to acknowledge what they are feeling.
With your face down in the dirt, in the center of the arena that is the moment of DARING GREATLY. We aren't perfect, we are going to stumble and we will fall a few times but we are trying and it is in that trying that we will see growth.
Again thank you for your kind words! And we appreciate you following along as we navigate this new terrain.

Adoption from Foster Care- The Map of Our Family

It was just my wife and I picking up our newest son for a day visit to go out to eat for lunch, he is a foster child that we are adopting from another state. We have to wait for the ICPC contract to be finalized in order for him to come and live with us and so in the meantime we drive two hours each way, every week to visit with him for the day.

He decided he wanted to eat at Chipotle, we let him choose since the older boys were with their dad for the weekend which means no one needed to compromise. He's sitting in the backseat of our Element SUV, the Element has these funky doors which requires the front seat passenger to open the door for the person in the back.

As he's getting out of the car he says, "so L and Z were adopted too?"
"Nope, I gave birth to them both.", I reply very matter of factly.
He looks at me with a puzzled expression on his face.
"They both grew in my belly.", I offer.
Even though he's nine years old I don't want to assume that anyone has had the "where do babies come from conversation".
"So you were married to their dad?", he asks.
"Ah, yes I was. And then we got divorced and then I married Momo."
"Didn't some people think it was weird that you married a woman after being married to their dad?", he asks with such innocence on his face.
"I'm sure there were several people who thought that.", I immediately reply as we make our way around the car and into Chipotle. He then looks up at my wife, "so you got divorced too?"
My wife does an amazing job just picking up the conversation without being privy to the first part of it and says, "No. Gretchen is the first person I married."

We walk into Chipotle and he begins to contemplate the decision between tacos or a burrito. He's going back and forth and you can tell that this decision seems huge to him and may impact his whole day by the value he's giving it. He decides on the burrito and his body relaxes as he tells the employee, very confidently, all the things that he wants on it. When we get to the counter to pay he turns to me and says, "I think those people are stupid who thought it was weird for you to marry Momo."
"I agree with you. We don't need those people in our lives, do we?"
"Nope.", he says with a huge smile and a twinkle in his eyes. I give him a hug and I can feel him exhale what feels like a huge weight of stress.

I know that we will have several conversations like this one as he learns the map of our family and the many twists and turns that it has made in order to be created. Divorce, marriages, children- generation after generation a new twist and a new turn. The best part is, he's on the journey with us and now a part of a family.

Adoption from Foster Care- Numbing Emotions with Food

Photo by: Igor Ovsyannykov

2016 has been a rollercoaster of a ride for our family as we embarked on the journey of adoption from the foster care system. We began this journey in January of 2016. First item to cross off our to-do list was the required 27 hours of classes and training, which took place over several Saturdays. Then came the paperwork; background checks- criminal, driving records and financial. Homestudy visits at our house from a social worker interviewing my wife and I together, then separate and then the children each by themselves. Fire inspection of our house from a fire marshall, reference letters and interviews with our friends and finally when all of that was completed we sat down with our adoption agency to talk about marketing ourselves. Yes, that's right...marketing ourselves as awesome parents. Creating fliers with images of our family and what our interests and hobbies are, describing where we live and what services, both therapeutic and recreational, that are close to our house. The idea is to market our family to social workers so that they would read more about us and possibly know of a child on their caseload that would be a perfect match.

When you are going through the paperwork stage of adoption all you can think about is the matching stage. Often I would say to my wife with excitement in my eyes, "I can't wait to get to the matching!" And then when you are in the matching stage you don't think your heart can hold any more hurt and pain that you are hearing on a daily basis. Reading stories of abuse both physical and sexual, neglect because of addiction and poverty and that energy needs to go somewhere. Otherwise it takes up residence in your body in some fashion. Whether that is building a wall around your heart by becoming jaded and cynical or those emotions live as chronic pain in a region of your body for example back or hip pain.

For me I chose to numb those emotions of heartbreak with food. I'm a yoga teacher and life coach, I knew better than to do this. But there I was every night eating cookies, eating my emotions and loosing sight of any physical exercise program except a slow flow, stretchy yoga practice. I was numbing with food and damn did it feel good in the moment. We all deal with hard emotions differently and oftentimes we numb those feelings when we can't take any more in. Food, drugs, alcohol, gambling and even Facebook/social media are the top choices for most people to numb themselves from feeling.

During the matching phase of adoption there are a lot of rejections. We wondered if it was because we are two women but oftentimes it was because we are already parents, which we thought was a benefit for us. But unfortunately so many children in the foster care system have been abused and social workers think it best for them to live in a house without other children. With each rejection the Ben and Jerry's would be cracked open. I am a highly sensitive person and numbing this heartbreak, felt like all I could do. Everyday hearing stories of abuse to innocent children left me in tears on my kitchen floor. I was feeling too much. In order to survive I needed to numb. And food was my numbing escape of choice. 
 
With any bad habit there are consequences and as you might have already guessed weight gain was the consequence that I had to deal with. In 2016 I gained 16 pounds! I am 5'3 and have weighed the same amount since I was in high school (except during pregnancies, of course). These 16 pounds came on easy and tasted delicious but now in 2017 it's time for them to go! My wife and I decided to do a personal challenge, for 45 days we are going to be mindful of the food that we eat. Choosing to eat healthy rather than convenient and we have given up (refined) sugar. Changing our diet as well as exercising 6 days a week will jump start us into 2017.

Week one felt impossible without the sweet treat after lunch and dinner. But now embarking on week two, I'm feeling better. I've already noticed that I have more energy and a positive mindset. The cravings for sweets are still there but rather than giving into that craving with cookies or ice cream I'm allowing myself a small bowl of berries. Doing this with my wife has been momentous! It's easier to resist sweets and exercise when you have a partner being supportive and on the journey with you. Keep tuning in to the CocktailMom blog to learn about the changes we are making to be healthier and happier in 2017!

Adoption from Foster Care- It's the Little Things That Matter Most

It's hard to fall in love with this little boy and yet have no voice in how you'd like him to be parented or be able to make any decisions about his life. I often feel like my hands are tied. And yet I continue to fall in love with his sweet voice and the way he says "what are you doing right now?" when we call him on the phone every night.

We are continuing to visit him twice a week at the residential facility, which involves a two hour drive each way. Per the rules of the facility we have worked up to off-campus visits, each week the visit is allowed to be longer and we can take him off campus with just our family. It's exciting and freeing but it still doesn't feel like our life. We aren't given many options of things to do based on the location of this facility and the colder weather, so it's either go out to eat at a chain restaurant or walk around Target and play videos games. I want him to experience life in our home; walking the dogs, going to the pool, setting the table for dinner. I want him to experience the little moments that make us a family, and I know he wants to experience that too.

This past weekend during our visit we decided that we would run errands because both L and Z needed new shoes and he did as well. So there we are, my wife and I, in the DSW shoe store trying to find shoes for three boys for the first time ever. It felt natural and chaotic at the same time. I found myself noticing other people in the store and how they looked at our family, seeing the confusion on their faces as they tried to figure out how two women and three children (who don't look like each other) "go together" in this very rural part of the state.

But seeing the excitement on his face when he found a pair that fit was priceless and instantly made me forget all the eyes that were watching us. "Look at MY NEW shoes!" He kept saying with a strong emphasis on MY as though this might have been the first time that he ever got new shoes. The thought crossed my mind but then I swept is aside, that couldn't be true. At some point in time someone had to have bought him new shoes, right? We pile back in the minivan and head to Walmart because the zipper on his pants are broken, he's our kid so we are doing what we would normally do for our kids-buy them what they need.

Having no idea what size he wears, I just guess and pull some various sizes for him to try on and fill my arms with pants that I would normally buy for L and Z. Well he has his eyes set on a pair of jeans, L and Z never wear jeans. And I mean never! So I empty my arms and begin looking through the racks of jeans and we all make our way to the dressing room. He is carrying a pair of jeans in his arms, close to his chest and mumbling something about how excited he is about them. He tries on only that one pair of jeans, opens the dressing room door for us to see him in them with a huge smile on his face, "They fit!". Wife and I check to make sure the jeans do in fact fit around his waist, length, are comfortable when he sits down etc. His entire face is beaming, "And they come with a belt! I've never had a belt before!" I look at him, at his huge smile and twinkling brown eyes and my heart breaks for him. He's excited about a belt! A belt, people! I give him a huge hug and tell him that those are clearly the pants for him. His smile turns to a frown and he says, "But we aren't allowed to have belts at the cottage." My wife, in perfect timing says, "We will just keep the belt at our house till you get there, okay?" The smile is back and he's bouncing out the door excited about his new shoes, jeans and the belt that he's never had before. And as I watch my three boys exit the store together I feel a lightness in my heart, this was the reminder that I needed this holiday season.
It's the little things that matter most; it's being a family, being together and being able to wear a belt!

Post 2016 Election

The eleven year old crawled into bed with me this morning and I told him the news of the election. I held him as he sobbed. "How can someone so mean and unkind and who hates us so much (meaning= a gay family) be president? How can people who love us and call us their family....how can they vote for him?" (pause and sniffling) "Why can't we move to Canada?" I explained to him that not one person makes all the decisions in our country. That there is a process. And it's our mission to do the opposite of him, to be kind and good people. "And it also means we need to get involved in things we believe in. We need to volunteer and be of service so that these organizations exist to help more and more families like ours. Our mantra for the next four years is just like the saying on the t-shirts at my yoga studio, Kindness Is Contagious!
We held each other and cried and his questions continued to rattle in my mind. How can people who love us vote for a man who doesn't support our family? How am I going to teach our newest son, who has seen trauma first hand, that the people who say mean things and degrade others is not the "winner." For right now, I'm going to hold them. All three of my sons and tell them that they are safe. We will continue to look up to President Obama as an example of the type of man that we aspire them to become. My wife and I will continue to believe that LOVE and KINDNESS will always win. And we will hold on to hope.

Routine

I didn't think much of this picture when I first uploaded it from my camera after our fantastic beach vacation. But then after taking a second look I saw it…the thing that makes this picture so special to me and shows what a loving family I have.

Each person is touching or holding hands, even the brothers!