Many of you have followed along via this blog and social media as my wife and I and our two boys navigated adoption from the foster care system. It's been an emotional experience. We did the proper training, read so many books on parenting children who have experienced trauma and neglect, we felt prepared and to top it off we have personal experience parenting a special needs child so we know how to navigate IEPs (Individualized Education Plans) and specialized therapies. We created calendars and charts to relieve anxiety for him and to be clear on expectations. We wanted to set him up for success and to feel at ease transitioning into our home.
We have been working with a private agency and he came into our lives from another state. We spent months visiting him twice a week so that we could get to know each other, to ensure a successful placement. We thought that this was the perfect match.
But it wasn't until he arrived that we were aware of some of his diagnosis, and his history of behaviors in prior placements. Though he never expressed these behaviors prior to placement in our home, during our visits he seemed like a different child. But once we were living with those behaviors for 24 hours a day, it was then that we truly understood them. What we didn't realize is how one person's behavior in our house can cause so much turmoil.
On a random day when everything was going well and everyone was in a good mood, he confided in my wife that he doesn't in fact want to be adopted. At nine years old he is allowed to make that choice and he would rather jump around from home to home and age out of the foster care system than to be adopted by another family because as he puts it, "I already have a family."
It has been two weeks since he left and we have slowly put the pieces of our family back together again. It's surreal how this child was a part of our lives and now he's out there in the world and we have no idea where he is or how he's doing. My heart is sad for him. I include him in my daily prayers, that he will find peace within himself. That he will be able to be open to love and accept it willingly. I ask God to watch over him and to someday allow our paths in life to cross again. Greatness is inside of that child. He could be someone quite amazing some day. And I hope that that special person, whether a foster parent or a coach or teacher, is able to connect with him on a deeper level and allow him the space to accept that his past does not define who he will become. Our stories shape us but they don't define us.
For now we say goodbye. And we heal. Thank you for your support and love. We appreciate all the kind words and gestures as we navigate these new emotions of loss.
I am so sorry for your loss! I know it hurts your heart to experience this. Praying that he is ok and that your family rebounds peacefully. Much love!
Sending love, Gretchen.
God bless you.
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