Our newest son is nine years old and we are in the process of adopting him from the foster care system. We have a routine that we follow in the morning, like most families do, before the kids can have screen time. Breakfast, finish whatever homework that wasn't completed the night before, pack up everything into the backpack and of course brush your teeth.
Like all mornings we go into the bathroom together, he and I brush our teeth together. (This guarantees that it actually gets done.) Then I typically start doing my own hair and makeup. M doesn't like to be alone and doesn't know how to entertain himself. Everyday I give him three choices of things he could be doing; playing with toys in the next room, starting his screen time or draw. "No, I'll wait for you to finish.", he always says. The more comfortable he has become with me, the more intrigued he has become with my morning ritual.
"Do boys wear blush?", he asked. "What's that for? Why do you make that face?", as I suck in my cheekbones to apply blush. I've had similar conversations with my biological children, L and Z when they were around two or three years old. Small kids are naturally curious about what their parents are doing that is different from what they do in the bathroom and a part of them wants to experience it too. So M asked if he could try it. I purposively wanted to tread lightly on this subject area, trying to be really careful about what I said because I want to stay neutral. I don't want to be apart of labeling, the "make up is only for girls- boys can't wear makeup" that society puts on all of us. I've never understood why makeup isn't for all genders, just because you are a man doesn't mean you have a flawless complexion and if a little concealer helps to make you feel confident I say- go for it!
"Some boys. Boys who are on TV or in movies, they have to wear makeup.", I reply. He wanted to try the blush so I fake put some on him, just as I did when L and Z were preschool aged. There was a period of time when Z was about two years old, he walked around carrying a compact blush brush clasped in his little hand. He took it everywhere and would randomly sweep it on his face throughout the day. And then one day it was in the bottom of the toy bin, forgotten. For children it's about the sensory experience of feeling that soft blush brush sweep your cheekbones and face and tickle a wee bit. We talked about how good that felt.
Next I put on eyeliner. He wanted to know what it was for, so I showed him what it looked like on me with eyeliner on one eye and one without so he could see the difference. I explained to him that he has almond shape eyes which so many people wish they had and that some people use eyeliner to create that almond shape or to enhance it.
"Do boys wear eyeliner?", he asked.
"Some boys. Especially boys who are in rock bands! Sometimes you'll see that Adam Levine wears eyeliner. And Prince he wore eyeliner all the time."
"Can I wear it?"
"Well it's not a good idea to wear eyeliner when you aren't really use to it because if you rub your eyes at school it will get all over your face.", I cautiously respond.
Then the same conversation about mascara, with exactly the same questions. And I respond the exact same way.
At the end of my makeup routine I apply a pressed powder which is also applied with a brush similar looking to the blush brush. A huge smile spread across his face and he asked if he could have some. With his face raised up towards me and his eyes closed, I swept the brush all over his face and he smiled so big. He opened his eyes and looked at himself in the mirror and he was beaming. Beaming at himself! I don't think I've ever seen him look that happy. Moments like these are a good reminder for me of the developmental things that he has missed in his life. The freedom to ask questions and be a curious child. The ability to experience the tickling feeling of a brush on your face without judgement or ridicule. These are the moments that I need to hold dear, these really sweet exchanges. So that when things get rough, when there is defiance, temper tantrums and power struggles I can pull these moments out of the vault of memories and hold on to them. Right now the defiance, temper tantrums and power struggles greatly outweigh the good moments, so today I will hold this one dear to my heart. And allow it to fuel me forward on this journey of adoption.